Two things happened last week.
My wife, Rose, and her daughter, Caira, binge-watched the 10th anniversary season of Gordon Ramsay’s “MasterChef.”
It is what they love to do when they are together.
Because our place is small, I sort of binge-overheard.
Instead of watching all 25 episodes, however, a little modest research gave me the names of the winners, the runner-ups, who was eliminated and when, and what they are all doing today.
This allowed me to go back to the all-important but low-hanging fruit of insulting Trump supporters on Facebook.
The other thing that happened was that Rose made flan.
It was delicious.
But flan has a mind of its own and this one was like a little child. No matter who tried, the flipped flan would roll over, leaving the caramel side on the bottom.
Six out of six times.
Flan, I thought, is truly worthy of a MasterChef challenge.
But only as I would Imagine it …
Gordon Ramsay speaks:
One of the trickiest dishes in all the culinary world. In fact, one of the trickiest culinary substances known to mankind.
Gods and demons have all tried and failed at making the perfect flan. This creamy, custardy, caramely concoction is your challenge today.
At some level, all of you will disappoint me and the other judges. It is in our contract to be disappointed each week by someone or something that you have failed so miserably to cook.
But only two of you will be asked to turn in your aprons and report to the studio kitchen for reassignment as dishwashers.
Flan takes the hands of a surgeon. The agility of a card shark. The patience of a Buddhist monk.
And the substantial knowledge and combined good looks of all three of us up here on the podium — Joe Bastianich, Aarón Sanchez, and of course, myself, The Gordon Ramsey.
Each of us enjoyed the privilege of being raised by Mexican grandmothers who made flan for us every morning. Consequently, we know flan.
And we hate it.
So you need to really impress us with your finished dish.
But even that is not enough.
To make the perfect flan, you need to call on every god at your disposal. And with the proper entreaties, you will discover that, as the poster says, “God has a flan for you.”
Beg them all for a steady hand.
Because you will need it.
Do not fret about pronouncing the names of your culinary gods names correctly. This dishy dessert has been around since Roman times and people still argue about pronouncing “flan” correctly.
They also disagree on whether flan should have a crust or not. For this challenge, you will not use a crust. We want to watch you try to flip this slippery little bugger over on a plate and end up with the caramel on the bottom.
For us, that is. Great fun, We, your incredibly competent, opinionated, and photogenic judges think this is great fun.
Are. You. Ready. To. Begin?
Because you are the very best of the best contestants that we have ever had on this show, we are throwing in a twist: We are driving you from our Los Angeles studio to Tijuana.
There, you will be dropped off in an unfathomable part of town, shoeless and penniless.
You must beg the abuelas you find on the streets for the proper ingredients to make your flan.
I assure you, abuelas have the proper ingredients in their possession at all times.
Once you have everything you need, you must talk your way into a cartel stronghold and borrow their kitchen for the execution of this task.
As Gordon Ramsey, I may use the word “execution”.
You may not. If you value your life.
Is everyone clear on your mission?
You will make one flan dessert for each of us, because we really hate sharing a spoon.
You have 30 minutes to complete this task in …