YESTERDAY …

Horrified doctors and medical experts and disinfectant manufacturers scrambled to warn people not to ingest cleansers like Clorox, Lysol, and Pinesol as they could kill you.

Also in the news: Health and Human Services (HHS) director Alex Azar elevated a former labradoodle breeder to lead the department’s day-to-day response to the coronavirus, despite his minimal experience.

WHICH BRINGS US TO TODAY …
President Trump announces the rollout of a stunningly innovative national testing program developed by his team of advisers.

In a word: Labradoodles.

“These beautiful, wonderful dogs, and I mean, they are wonderful,” said the president, “They have very sensitive noses — not like liberal noses that are always out of joint — they can smell things you and I can’t.”

“Like coronavirus, maybe. I dunno. I’m not a scientist but I have you-know-what.”

The president pointed to his crotch.

“Anyway, ever notice how Labradoodles are always sniffing butts? I do. It is why I don’t have a pet dog. Well, one of the reasons.”

“So, it was suggested to me, and I think it is a great idea, if we can train dogs to sniff out, you know, drugs, then why not the virus?”

“I’m told there is a small but very successful Lab lab in Texas that can roll out these incredible dogs to every state. Maybe only one each, at first but, you know, the more they screw each other (like we’ve been doing to the states), the more we can produce.”

“Maybe we should give each state two — a male and female — and the program can be self-sustaining. …”

“Anyway, we’ll look into that, won’t we. Birx? Fauci?”

“They were here a minute ago … Those two are gonna get rich by the way. Have you heard about the bobblehead dolls? Very life-like. I hope they make a fortune. Very American thing to do.”

“So my other thought is, as these Labradoodles sniff out people with the virus thing all over them — and we can have these hero dogs carry a little flask around their necks, like Saint Bernards which are great but don’t breed as quickly, I’m told.”

“The flask can be filled with disinfectant, which the diseased person can wash with or, you know, there are openings on the human body … well, I’m not a scientist but I’m told there are openings.”

“Also, our new Space Force can design a helmet for the Labradoodles that Ford and Chevrolet can build very quickly and the helmet can shoot a UV ray at the sick person.”

“Remember how I said Labradoodles are great at sniffing other dogs’ butts? I think they are at just the right height to shoot those rays right up human … well, into the right places.”

“Anyway, these are things my great advisers can look into.”

“Mike Pence, you know a thing or two about that. I’m putting you in charge of the right places to inject foreign stuff into the body. Okay? He’s a good man, Mike. Where is he? With Fauci? Already at work, probably.”

“Just one more example of how we have been on top of this thing from the very beginning. People should be more grateful. Especially the Fake news media.”

“Thank you and God bless.”

“Oh yes, and keep an eye out for our Navy and Air Force fighter jet flybys, very low, I’m told, over an overloaded and under-staffed and under-protected hospital near you.

“They are coming soon. And they will be just beautiful.

“And they won’t cost taxpayers a cent. We’re paying for them out of profits from medical gear impounded from the states by my son-in-law and the brave Homeland Security forces. And maybe we’ll get a little money from the Bank of China where I have some very very good connections…”