I’m a little quick off the mark, but my first full-blown fantasy for 2026 is already in:

I want to buy a 20-bedroom castle on the Isle of Rum in the Inner Hebrides. (I think it might include the whole Isle of Rum. Not sure.)

I don’t think I need to say more.

But I will.

One doesn’t simply see a castle for sale and then acquire it.

Questions need to be raised and answered first.

Like, “Are you mad?”

If the answer is “Yes. Yes, indeed,” then say no more. Move on to something more impractical, like politics or professional sports teams.

But if the answer is, “No, I am not mad,” more questions need be raised.

Like, “Why?”

And the ever-lurking joy-killer: “How?”

But I get ahead of myself and far afield from the boundaries of my fantasy.

It would be a cold corpse of a creature, who, upon opening The Guardian on a Sunday morning and, seeing that a castle in Scotland is for sale – and then moves on to read about the latest asinine overnight posts by the U.S president.

And I am no cold corpse. Not yet, my hearties.

No, I looked at the description for Kinloch Castle – and the price tag – and I saw potential.

Here is the bulk of the Guardian description:

On the small isle in Inner Hebrides is the Category A-listed Kinloch Castle with views out across the sea and towards the mainland. The estate covers more than 7.3 hectares (18 acres), and the house itself has seven main reception rooms and 20 bedrooms. 

The original interior features of the Edwardian mansion have been preserved, such as elaborate wood panelling, stained glass and rare orchestration in grand rooms such as the ballroom and library. Outside there are formal terraces, ornamental gardens and pathways that wind through the woodland.

 Here’s a supplementary description from another source: This Tudor-style castle includes a central tower, arcaded verandas, and bull-faced rubble stonework. Interiors once held opulent artifacts, while gardens imported vast soil quantities for palm houses stocked with exotic animals. A nearby mausoleum reflects (Sir George) Bullough’s extravagance.

What’s missing? A moat, of course. Edwardians had no need for a moat.

But … a swimming pool disguised as a moat? The mind reels.

All for a mere £750,000. 

Here’s the clincher: There is a regular ferry service to Rum from Mallaig.

Ferry service to Rum from Mallaig!

Think of it!

So, Robert, how are you getting home tonight? “Oh, the usual, the ferry service from Mallig to Rum.”

“If you are visiting, do catch the ferry in Mallaig to Isle of Rum.”

“Harry, when you and your chums are on holiday from Hogwarts, do take the ferry from Mallaig to Isle of Rum for a visit. Bring your pals and their owls.”

In classic English understatement, The Guardian slips in a kicker: “The property is in need of restoration.”

But let’s ignore most of that for the moment. It is our need for fantasy that requires restoration just now.

So, let us get to the fantasy part.

We fix up the Edwardian mansion — blah, blah, blah — restoring it to the beauty Sir George Bullough envisioned when he built it as a luxurious hunting lodge between 1897-1900.

Restored. Done. Fixed. Onward.

Who is the “we” doing the fixing up, you ask?

I see a partnership of three to four especially creative and especially resourceful couples – “especially rich” is helpful but not entirely critical. Since they are probably my friends and this is our retirement project, we’ll need a financial angel or two.

We occupy four of the 20 bedrooms, several of the seven reception rooms, the kitchen, and dining areas – and we still have a lot to play with. Perhaps six of the rooms will be for live-in staff.

Here’s where it gets to be fun. We open the castle as an all-inclusive themed resort, but only one week a month. Occupancy limited to perhaps 10 of the bedrooms.

Sort of like the movie “Holiday Inn” meets “Downton Abbey” – only in a castle in Scotland, with no Fourth of July and no blackface actors and no snobbish aristocrats (unless we hire some actors to portray snobbish aristocrats), but with haggis and very cool accents.

Your stay at Kinloch Castle will be a completely immersive experience.

We, the residents and staff (hired from the 30-40 residents of the island and out-of-work actors from Edinburgh and Glasgow), will greet you in period costumes and invite you to indulge in all the Edwardian experiences on offer.

We will even offer Edwardian apparel for our guests to wear, purchased from theatrical second-hand shops (of which there must be hundreds in Scotland and England).

With 18 acres of waterfront property, there will be endless opportunities for nature walks, birding, hiking, sailing, swimming, croquet, tennis – no pickleball, sorry – history talks, guest speakers, theatrical and music events, art lessons, writing workshops, culinary classes, yoga and pilates, horseback riding, sheep shearing, and harvesting. And scintillating dining experiences, inspired by turn-of-the-20th-century cuisine. Naturally, there will be Scottish whisky workshops and tastings.

Each month’s experience will be keyed to the season and such holidays as Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, perhaps adjunct spinoffs of Edinburgh’s Fringe Festival, Hogmany, Robert Burns Night, a bagpipe fest, and mini-Highland Games. Possibly a Josephine Tey or M.C. Beaton murder mystery week. Maybe a week of Celtic mythology with fairies, kelpies, selkies, and woodland creatures.

One week a month. 

The rest of the time, the castle is ours. 

My guess is $3 to $6 million to get it all up and running. Including restoration. The castle is on hard times, you know. Lady Bulloch sold it to the Nature Conservancy (NatureScot) in 1957, and they eventually focused on the nature part of the island at the expense of the conservancy part. 

The sale to a private buyer fell through this year, and the price dropped to £750,000. Given its condition, I’d offer considerably less and pour all resources into restoring this beautiful old castle and village.

OK, there you go.

First fantasy of 2026.

Are you in?