Hi! And welcome back to the popular shame game “So You Think You Can Rant?” where it’s your words against the troll-a-verse!  I’m your host, Seymour Bittame!

For those of you who haven’t played before, the rules are simple:

A scenario pulled from a real social media post will be put up on the screen and our four panelists will have one minute to respond to it in the worst possible ways imaginable. Oh, yes, without violating FCC rules on taste and profanity.

Audience laughs.

You at home can play along. Go to our Facebook page “IndignationRocks” and get ready to one-up our panelists. Remember: Your posts will help determine who goes on to the next round –  and who goes home to a miserable life posing pointless diatribes on obscure social media posts – on “So You Think You Can Rant?”

As always, our four panelists maintain secret identities. They have chosen fake names for purposes of scorekeeping, anonymity, and protecting their lives once they leave our studio. Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Audience laughs along.

The panelists are, from left to right: TyroQueen, a cat lady from Queens; SwordMan3, an unemployed government worker from Montana; CutToCleavage, an aspiring social influencer and party escort from Miami; and last week’s winner ByteMeHRD, a Hollywood private security guard and youth counselor at his church.

Don’t forget, trolls-at-home, if you can Dox one of our panelists before this game is over, you’ll get an invite to join our game, in-person, next week!

OK, my four keyboard gladiators, here comes our first post. Remember, you get no points for being actually helpful and you can not directly urge injury upon the poster. But, as ever, rudeness, shaming, disrespect, and unreasonableness are virtues in this arena.

Those are the rules. Let’s have some fun. Are you at home ready to play along?

Here we go, from DallasInDrag: 

“OMG, you won’t believe what just happened. I was in the park and this idiot’s dog crapped on the ground in front of me. I could tell by his looks that he wasn’t American so I screamed, “Hey, buddy, in this country we clean up our own messes!” He just looked at me like I’m a Karen, which I’m not, and just walked away. I took a picture of the poop and will post it if you think that’s helpful. Who are these people and who do they think they are?????”

OK panel, I can see from the steam coming out of your masks that you are ready to go!

The clock begins now!

Cut to commercial. 

And we’re back.

OK, TyroQueen, your fingers look like they are shooting flames! Let’s see what you’ve got.

“Well, Seymour, I’ve been down this road many times before. Or should I say, ‘In this park.’?

Audience laughs. One shouts out, “Late at night? You perv?!”

“Hey, DallasInDrag, why don’t you post a picture of your own poop? Seriously, WTF. You couldn’t take a picture of this cretin so we can ID him and hunt him down? Send a letter to ICE and tell them where they can find this lawbreaker. Deport aliens with dogs now!”

Wild applause.

Well done, TyroQueen. Your post already has 372 likes and a couple of our regulars are calling you a pedophile, so that’s a good sign of a good post.

SwordMan3, you’re up.

“Thanks, Seymour. I tried something other than umbrage:

DallasInDrag, I had a dog once. It was a little Yorkie terrier and he would poop in public all the time. Instead of ordering a box of poop bags from Amazon, I would scour the dumpsters behind the hospital for empty sanitation bags. You’d be amazed what they throw out. You should try that instead of yelling at some guy who probably doesn’t understand English.

Also, did you know that commercial poop bags for dogs are relatively new? Nobody ever heard of them until Obama issued a secret presidential order requiring them to be made. Now look at the mess we’re in.

Did I mention that I used to have a dog, too?

Nicely done, SwordMan3. I see what you did there – irrelevant yet filled with passive-aggressive shaming, insulting and condescending, utterly useless information. Our at-home players like what you did, too.  You are trending hot!

CutToCleavage, our newest contestant, everyone is awaiting your post. Some at home are demanding that you post some pix with it! I wonder what they mean?

Well thanks, Seymour! As my fans know from the strategically placed ball of fur in many of my private-space photos, I have a tiny teacup pup. Yes, I’m a dog lover!

Oh, DallasInDrag, I feel your pain.I don’t know if I could have behaved in such a manly fashion (Or is it womanly? No matter. All voices are heard.) We need to find this cretin and teach him a lesson he will never forget! Who is with me? If you are, join me at Just Friends and Instagram at @CutToCleavage (where more than this mask comes off) and don’t forget to register for my private sessions. I take all cards.

Hmmmm. I don’t know what to say, CutToCleavage.  Half of our online viewership disappeared right after we posted your response. Something tells me your social influencer/party escort business is taking off faster than your response on this show!

Can you top that ByteMeHRD?

As you know, Seymour, we can’t compete with the ladies online. Just one of the major unfairnesses of social media. But here goes:

DallasInDrag, grow a pair, you big fking woke baby! I’m so sick of whiners who run to social media every time something offends them. Man up, girlie. What do you expect us to do? Hunt this perp down and shove his dog’s poop up … grow up! I suggest that the next time this guy does this you pull out a No. 5 iron and tee off on his skull. And the little dog, too! 

Well, ByteMeHRD, you didn’t hold back. Did you? I’m afraid we’ll have to deduct points for encouraging violence. We have two rules and I think you broke them both. 

And to the studio audience and those playing at home, we never encourage you to take the law into your own hands or to react violently. Not in any serious way.

Remember what we always say: “Heaps of shame bring on the pain!”

But in no way do we suggest physical violence. Like we also say, “Why hit when you can post some nasty shit?”

OK, we have lots to consider so we’re going to a commercial break. We urge you troll-ops at home to stop posting for a moment and watch these ads closely. One of them contains a secret message that may lead to a Bucket o’ Bitcoins buried very near your house. Standard advertising rules apply. Offer is not available in states where a decent education is still possible.

Until we come back, keep that indignation compounding … with interest!

Screen goes black.

Ladies and gentlemen, during the commercial break we learned much to our dismay that CutToCleavage is technically still a sophomore in high school and thus under 18 years of age and ineligible to play our game. (That’s a credit card charge I’ll never get back.)

Audience laughs.

If you do go to CutToCleavage’s Instagram or Only Friends accounts or other pages, just remember to be smart and wear a VPN.

Well, you’ve heard from our panelists. They gave it their best shot.

Now let’s see if our online audience was up to the challenge.

Our AI tabulator says ….

37 percent of you at home in your basements demanded that the photo of dog poop be posted.

17 percent want everyone to hunt down the dog owner and fling piles of poop at his house, unless he’s on the 42nd floor of a doorman apartment complex. In which case, many of you urged your naughty little troll friends to FedEx him the poop.

A surprising 10 percent of you sided with the dog walker, explained the libertarian concepts of the late-20th Century, and … well, we don’t know what else. We started to nod off and just moved on. Even our AI compiler got bored and went off to forge some 17th-century art pieces.

The rest of you, predictably enough, posted retorts like: 

“Deport him!”

”Let’s all go to the park and humiliate him to his face! Which park are we talking about?”

“They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the dogs! And the cats. They’re eating the cats!”

“Did you know a dog needs to be outside at least 20 minutes before it can comfortably vacate its canine bowels?”

“That leash is fake! AI leash!”

But the winner and next week’s newest contestant on “So You Think You Can Rant?” came from DirtySeaDawg1950:

There once was a dog walker from LA

Who let his dog’s poop lay where it may

From its leash, he unhooked

Until the police arrived and had him booked

But the dog, once free, ran away.

Well, this should be interesting. We’ve never had a poet on the show. Come to think of it, we’ve never had a troll with literary skills higher than a fourth grader.

Which is why we love you audience!

As for our panelists.

CutToCleavage technically won with more than 10,000 likes but she is off the show and her uncle just came and picked her up. She says he is her uncle …

Next up, the troll-a-verse is all about tough love this week.  ByteMeHRD got twice as many likes as SwordMan3 and TyroQueen combined. Two weeks in a row, ByteMeHRD is Top Troll on “So you Think You Can Rant?” let’s give him some applause my little troll farm!

ByteMeHRD: “Give her some applause, Seymour. Her. I’m identifying as “her” this week. I thought you should know.”

Well, will “won-hers” never cease? Well played, ByteMeHRD. No wonder the troll farm can’t source your identity and inundate you with spam! You’ve handed them a wonderful clue for next week. A true sportsman. Woman. Sportswoman.

ByteMeHRD: This week, Seymour. This week.

Audience laughs and cheers as camera returns to Seymour Bittame,

Well, as we normally bounce one panelist each week, just because we enjoy the shaming, CutToCleavage did the dirty work for us. Soooo …. Let’s see what DirtySeaDawg1950 can bring to the keyboard next week!

Welcome you old pirate!

That’s our show for this week. Remember our little troll farmers, stay vigilant, stay pissed, and stay on your computers. Next week it could be your rant in the hot seat.

Keep compounding those indignations and maybe you, too, can become a star on “So You Think You Can Rant?” 

I’m your host, Seymour Bittame.

Roll credits.

Deep voice-over:

All posts, flames, burns, rants, and personal attacks used on “So You Think You Can Rant?” become the property of the show producers HotSimmeringMess Ltd. We are not liable for the legal expenses or subsequent liabilities of our posting audience. You post at your own risk.

This show is for entertainment purposes only. Any calls for vigilantism, cannibalism, religious conversion, sexism, ethnic cleansing, racial slurs, etc.are meant in good fun and not targeted to a single individual, fictional or real. 

This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real people, places or events should be cause for personal reflection.

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Need I say it? This is a work of fiction (mostly). All art work was created by Artificial Intelligence programs and it kind of stinks. “Like” this post if you like this post. Share with friends and enemies if you really like this post. Leave comments below. Only nice ones will be published. (Kidding.) Thank you for playing along.