It was one of those days when you wake up feeling so clever because a unique word came to you in the middle of the night — opportunipee.

And you wrote it down. In a notebook. In the dark.

And it was legible.

A Jabberwokian euphoria fills your pores.

You begin constructing a smart little definition — “What seniors with bladder issues are constantly in search of.”

Ha! Ha! So clever.

You suppress painful memories of your own prostate crisis.

You try to remember the annual contest for newly made-up words. Was it in the Washington Post? That place where “democracy dies in the darkness”?

The fame! The fortune! The book contracts that will be thrown your way! The wit! The humor! Maybe a bit on the “Late Night Show” exchanging clever repartee with whats-his-name?

Then.

Just to be safe.

You search for the word “opportunipee” online.

Did you mean “opportunity?” asks Google, in a shade of blue that oozes contempt with a side dish of schoolmarmish disdain.

No.

Here are your results for “opportunity,” says Google. Now in a decidedly darker blue, less contempt and more pushy.

And then in a most-condescendingly smaller type: “Or did you mean … “opportunipee”?

(Google will underline it in red to emphasize what a serious mistake you are making.)

You click on “opportunipee” one last time, confident that Google has been balking because it knows there is nothing to be found in its data bank.

Google hates to be upstaged.

Google hates to admit that it’s got nothing.

Have you ever seen “I got nothin’ ” in Google results? Of course you haven’t

Google is built on hubris and false pride with a mean streak that makes federal agencies want to break it up into tiny bite-sized pieces.

Feeling a little cruel, you ask Google to find all results for “slabadink.”

Another word you just, oh, so, cleverly pulled out of your subconscious.

Google tries to divert you to “GitHub.”

So you retaliate by putting slabadink in quote marks, penning in the animal so it can not escape.

Chastened, Google comes back with this:

It looks like there aren’t many great matches for your search
Try using words that might appear on the page you’re looking for. For example, “cake recipes” instead of “how to make a cake.”

Eat cake, Google, I want slabadink.

No, I want “slabadink.”

Damn.

Google was playing me. There is a “slabadink” — a whole family of Slabadinks in the “New Jersey Death Index – 1920-1924.” May, Filomena, Sophia, John, Susan E., Henry, Patrick, Victoria, Amelia, Annie, Isaac, and Frances among them.

They seem like nice people. I might have enjoyed sharing a cup of coffee or a bottle of bootleg hootch with the gang back in the day.

A mere side bet, Google. Let’s get back to the main event.

I believe you were trying to distract me from the results for “opportunipee”?

Because … THERE ARE NONE?

Damn.

Again.

“Opportunipee knocks.” (A YouTube video song.)

“No Services 100 Miles could have been Final Opportunipee” (A headline)

 “I had an opportuni-pee (queue wasn’t too bad) …” (a travel blog)

“Sketchy restrooms are part of world travel; however, it was so nice to know what to expect, when to take advantage of an ‘opportuni-pee‘ …” (Another travel blog)

“Teach your kid about ‘Opportuni-pee.’ That means when we have a convenient opportunity to make a bathroom stop, we use it …” (A parenting tips blog)

You get the picture.

Seems that the word is popular among world travelers, travel bloggers, parents with kids, old men on road trips, runners, cyclists, and really bad pun fetishizers.

Which is almost everybody.

Well, was it worth it?

I have managed to avoid doing everything on my list for today. So, I’d say so.

And you, look at you.

How much did you just avoid doing?

OK, back to work.

Besides, I have to take advantage of this opportunipee.

Cue the music video.

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PS: I asked WordPress AI to come up with alternate headlines for this piece. It thought of three:

The Birth of Opportunipee: A Unique Word Story

This title leverages curiosity around new words, appealing to language enthusiasts and drawing in readers searching for creativity in wordplay.

Why Opportunipee Could Be the Next Internet Sensation

This title hints at cultural relevance and trends, attracting search traffic from users interested in viral content and the evolution of language.

Exploring the Meaning of Opportunipee in Everyday Life

Focusing on practical application can capture readers looking for relatable content, optimizing for searches related to definitions and usage in daily scenarios.

Conclusion: If Artificial Intelligence is out to kill us, the likely weapon will be boredom.