News headline: Hallmark has created 42 movies for the holiday.

Subsequently, House Beautiful magazine gushed about the  “comforting predictability of these flicks … No matter which title you switch on, the best thing about a Hallmark holiday movie is knowing that pretty soon you’ll be watching a happy ending.”

I don’t know if people who watch all 42 of these movies get a participation medal or a stay at the sanatorium. And Hallmark isn’t the only one flooding the zone. Somebody, noticing the overwhelming whiteness of characters in Hallmark movies, began putting out ethnic versions with the same insipient stories.

There is a genre of anti-Christmas movies in which characters are not so pretty, stories are not so cheerful (ultimately), and the endings may not be quite so happy. We often think of these as documentaries.

Anyhow, with the holidays in full swing, you’re busy and I’m busy and nobody I know will sit through 42 Hallmark Christmas movies.

So I did.

Ha! Ha! Just kidding. What are you, nuts?

What I did do was read through the synopses for 42 Hallmark holiday movies and watched the previews for selective titles. I also, for reasons that I can’t publically explain, have access to 881 Christmas movies, from “White Christmas” to “It’s a Wonderful Life,” to “My Scotland Christmas” to “Bad Santa” to “Die Hard” to … well, you get the picture. 

Or maybe you don’t.

I did not watch all those titles, either. But I have been scanning through them and I think that I have learned enough to teach a Masterclass in holiday scriptwriting.

So, what I’m going to try to do for you today, in the little time that we have left, is compose the uber holiday movie story in a five-minute (or more … well, likely more) read.

It is called “The True Meaning of Christmas is Discovered when Scottish Royalty Makes a Magical Holiday Come True in The Little Town of Evergreen.”

I’ll work on that title later. It is a bit like an over-decorated Christmas tree right now.

Let’s begin.

Scene 1:

 A cab pulls up in front of the train station and the driver, an improbably good-looking man in his mid-to-late-30s steps out and approaches the sophisticated-looking woman dragging a carry-on bag and a large purse.

Cabbie: “Hi and Merry Christmas and welcome to Evergreen. Can I give you a ride? Are you here for the big holiday festival which until this morning was threatened by the lack of snow? We need to hurry because we may get stuck in a snowdrift on the way back into town.”

Woman: “Thank you. Yes to the ride. And No to the festival. And yes, let’s hurry because I need to get back to my incredibly spectacular and demanding job in the big city. I need to get to the incredibly quaint boutique hotel called the Halliday Inn.”

Cabbie: “I know it very well. Hop in.” The cabbie makes the woman handle her own bag which irritates her to no end.

A few minutes later, the cab gets stuck in a snowdrift.

Cabbie, turning to the woman: “It looks like we will be stuck here for a few minutes. Maybe long enough for some surprise exposition. Say, don’t I know you?”

The woman, who has never met a cabbie in her life, looks coldly at the driver: “I doubt it.”

The cabbie tries another tact to fill time while waiting for the tow truck. “So, what brings you here.”

The woman hesitates.

She speaks evenly: “My name is Sascha Nice-Halliday and I grew up here. I’m returning to settle my parents’ estate and that includes possibly selling the Halliday Inn to the handsome heir of a Scottish castle who wants to turn it into a fast-food restaurant.” 

It is the cabby’s turn to hesitate.

He speaks evenly as well: “And I am Derrek Ivy-Chimes, your long-forgotten high school sweetheart who never left this town but found the meaning of true happiness in doing the simple things in life like feeding the poor, teaching classical piano to homeless children, going shirtless while building wooden boats in a shed behind your parents hotel, and I am also the chairman of the incredibly important holiday festival, the profits of which the rest of the community lives off all year long. Because I was an orphan, your parents became like a mother and father to me after you left and never looked back.”

Sascha Nice-Halliday: “Did I mention how incredibly rich and powerful I’ve become in the big city where I hold the lives of scores of marketing minions in the palm of my hand, live in a glass penthouse, and cry myself to sleep most nights?”

Derrek Ivy-Chimes: “Perhaps we can fix that while you are here.”

Sascha: “Doubtful. I’m meeting the Scottish baron in two days and will sell off the inn and go back to my impossibly rich but meaningless life in the big city.”

Derrek: “Did I mention that I am a single father, raising a teenage daughter?”

Sascha: “No.”

Derrek: “Her name is Shasha. Oh, look! It is Benny the town bumpkin and comic-relief character. He’s driving the tow truck! Looks like we’ll get you safely to the Halliday Inn after all.”

Scene 2: 

The gaily decorated lobby of the Halliday Inn where the loveable staff is just finishing up the tinselling of the live Christmas tree in the front window. Yesterday’s snow has already melted because of global warming (or movie budget constraints) and the big festival is once again threatened with ruin. The hotel staff is cheerfully but softly singing Christmas carols.

Sascha has just met teenage Shasha.

Teenage Shasha: “I hate you.”

Sascha: “Why?”

Shasha: “You are a threat to my orderly existence in this picturesque but boring small town because I fear my dad will fall in love with you all over again and I will be left alone. Plus, you are everything I aspire to be but can not achieve unless I leave this town. Which I know makes no sense but I am a teenager. Give me a break.”

Sascha: ”I can get tickets to any Taylor Swift concert in the world. Front row, if you like.”

Shasha: “Mom!”

Sascha: “Speaking of… what happened to your birth mother?”

Shasha: “I’m told that she took off when I was a baby to become a missionary in some country that was not already overridden with missionaries. We never heard from her again but I fear that she may show up in a sequel a year from now. Can you get tickets to the Taylor Swift concert in New York City for New Year’s Eve?”

Sascha: You poor child. How you suffer — from delusions. Nobody can get tickets to that show unless they own oil wells in Qatar.”

Shasha: “I hate you.”

At just this moment, the handsome Scottish baron Sean Haggis o Nollaig walks into the lobby. He is haughty yet charming. His piercing eyes show a glint of humor. His breath, however, smells like a half-dozen inflight whiskey nips.

Sean Haggis o Nollaig: “It is I, Sean Haggis o Nollaig, and I’ve come to buy this charming but shabby little hotel and level it. You, hotel employees! You can be my first hires at the Scottish fast-food restaurant that will rise in its place.

“By the way, that curious cabbie who picked me up at the train station somehow landed in the only snowdrift between here and the station. Good salesman, though. I bought a handcrafted wooden sailboat from him. I may have overpaid.”

Sascha: “Welcome Baron Haggis o Nollaig. Shall I book you a room? Should we talk business? Do you have time to fall in love and drive Derrek the cabbie mad with jealousy?”

Sean Haggis o Nollaig: “That is so sweet. I’m afraid I only have time enough to accidentally disclose that I will be buying the whole town and leveling it to make way for a whole chain of big-box stores and a gigantic Amazon warehouse.”

Sascha: In that case, Baron, our deal is off. For in my few short hours back in my hometown of Evergreen, I have discovered the real purpose of life and the true meaning of Christmas and I can not stand by and see all of our small-town values crushed by big-box stores.

“Besides, I caught of glimpse of Derrek working on a wooden boat late last night. Holy cow, what a six-pack.”

Sean Haggis o Nollaig: “Very well. Then I’m off to buy Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Can someone call me a cab? Some other cab?”

Scene 3:

The town feels like a horrible dark cloud has lifted and returns to decorating for the big festival. In fact, the cloud has lifted just high enough into the atmosphere to send down moisture in the form of snowflakes.

Sascha places an important phone call and then calls together the Halliday Inn staff, Derek, and the still sullen Shasha.

Sascha: “I want you all to know that I have just sold my incredibly successful business in the big city and my penthouse and with the profits I was able to get three tickets to Taylor Swift’s New Year’s Eve concert in New York City. Because I have discovered the true meanings of both life and Christmas I will remain in Evergreen and take over the running of Halliday Inn.

Derek: And I have just convinced the curmudgeonly head of the local Businessmen’s Association that an all-black-and-white Christmas theme is not sophisticated and not a good idea for our festival. Oh, look! It is snowing!”

Teenage Shasha: “What row are the Taylor Swift tickets? Never mind. I love you, Mom!”

Derek: “Let’s all stroll arm-in-arm through the grounds of the Big Festival while smiling and waving to all our neighbors. We’ll finish off with the big tree lighting ceremony and some hot cocoa with marshmallows!”

Sascha: “Great idea!”

Teenage Shasha: “But seriously. What row are the seats?”

Everyone laughs gaily as they exit the Halliday Inn and skip cheerfully into the gently falling snow.

Roll credits.

At the end of the credits, there is an apology for mentioning the term “global warming.” It slipped past the standards keepers too late to be edited out and won’t happen again.

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In next year’s sequel, Shasha’s real mom returns. Either her stepmother or father has passed away, tragically, in the intervening year. (Contracts are being negotiated at press time.) This sets up a unique new partnership to raise young Shasha. They will discover all over again the true meaning of Christmas.

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My staff and I also looked at every Christmas 2023 commercial on television from all over the world and learned a few things that may help you this holiday season.

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Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all!